Look Up

From Inquirer.net.

Ever since I graduated from college, all my birthdays passed by in a (well-fed) blur. No existentialist Why am I here? What do I do next? questions to make me do something I rarely do: think.

So I’m wondering now why these questions are running around my head the past week. Is it the effect of being a quarter century old already? And for the same reason, this song has been playing over and over (and over and over…) again in my head. Kasalanan mo ito, C, at ng videoke.

Note: The picture is from Kuya Greg’s multiply, from his trip to Eastern Samar for Operation Blessing. And yes, going on a jetplane and out of the country is one of my prayer items this year. =)

What is my favorite way to celebrate (anything)? Food trip! I just came from my umpteenth raid on Likha Diwa, a veggie-artsy-yummy place near Krus na Ligas. Pre-birthday celebration with my Thursday group. After the apple-raisin-cheese crepe and the banana cococrunch evaporated, they took turns giving me wishes for my quarter century on earth. Here’s my favorite, from one of my “daughters”:

“Sana mafulfill mo ang purpose ni LORD for you kung bakit ka Niya nilagay dito sa earth, with you knowing that you fulfilled it.” - Pheebs

Knowledge (and certainty) of success. What more can I ask for?

AND in response to the long running Truth Thursdays:

I want to tell the world that nothing compares.

I want to say yes things that challenge me and make me go beyond my comfort zone. Things that I’ve avoided like the plague before. Like any form of dancing (gasp) in public. Or math (chokes) in terms of investing and business. Or teaching in a classroom for real. Or cooking that involves more than boiling water and adding instant soup to the pot. I definitely have to say yes to writing another thesis if I want to graduate from my masters.

And maybe… not be an NBSB anymore? Haha!

On a more serious note, I want to say yes to the next level. For things where I seem to have stuck in beginner mode for ages. For things like leading a small group again and serving in a campus ministry. Or learning more about the Word and venturing into deeper waters in my prayer life.

I want to say yes… here I am, send me.

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Inspired by Stef’s Truth Thursdays. I can never get the day right though…

When I was in preschool, my family lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Sampaloc. My mom had all the walls painted pristine white in the belief that this would make the place look bigger. Of course my brother and I immediately grabbed pencils and crayons and started scribbling on those walls. Aside from the spanking that followed, I can barely remember what I wrote. I think we mostly did drawings. My favorite drawing subject was a shining sun that my dad said resembled a roasted potato with sticks poking out in all directions. Artistically talented I am not.

The walls surrounding me in my boardinghouse are also glaringly white and blank. My tiny room was allergy-proofed by my mom, so that must be why the color scheme is the same. Writing these on my walls is very very tempting….

Rita

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Ilya

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Tarits

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Pray.

I love to teach.

I have more than enough.

Wake up.    WAKE UP.  gising! Wake up.    WAKE UP. bangon.    Gising.

 GET UP NOW!

I have an ocean’s worth swimming in my head right now. Some are as fierce as sharks in clamping onto my attention. Others are like little minnows that flit in and out of consciousness. Some are big, Jonah-style fishes that seem to loom over everything else.

Here’s a sample of my fishies:

I wish I can move back to 924. I wish it were 2010 already. I wish that I can get past the QLC confusion and just live.

I wish I had an 8-day week. I wish academic papers wrote themselves. I wish the library would stay open until midnight. I wish our grades were 99% class participation. I wish classes before 12 noon disappear. And that I’ll stop procastinating and filling my schedule to bursting.

I wish I can eat all I want and not suffer the consequences. I wish I had a body clock. I wish I can motivate myself to exercise more.  I wish my allergies would just go away. And that contact lenses aren’t so uncomfortable.

I wish I had a coffee press, black boots and a laser printer. I wish I knew how to pick my own clothes. I really, really wish I had a laptop with wifi. I wish I owned all my favorite books in hardcover with those wonderful glossy colored jackets.

I wish I can watch Twilight. And Lea Salonga perform as Cinderella. And Les Miserables in Broadway. Or just attend a musical theater worskhop.

But some of my wishes have come true. Here are some of the fishes I’ve caught:

I went to Cebu 5 years ago and to Bacolod last summer and in both instances, witnessed something truly magnificent. I’m studying in Diliman and reading a lot. I’m attending Life-Growth, a one year Bible course, which miraculously did not conflict with my schedule. I have a baby to harass play with adore (a little early though). As of this week, I have tutorial students again and thus a parttime job. I’m on better terms with her now. I have an official accountability triad, after 5 years. I can now sing alto without being drowned by my choirmates. My wisdom teeth are gone, happiness! Another wish granted: belonging here and there for 8 years now.

The past 3 years have also given me this: I know what I’m not supposed to do and where I’m not supposed to be. Whatever people may say to the contrary.

I now have more than an inkling of what I’ll do for the next two years. And a lot of exciting hints on what comes after that. 

*
A month ago, I had a scary encounter with a person wielding a very sharp knife. Well, I do owe that dentist for getting rid of my final impacted wisdom tooth… but only after over an hour of slicing, drilling and hammering at my jaw. Consolation: due to the stitches, I was not able to eat solid stuff for a couple of days. And hurrah! no more surgical procedures in the forseeable future!
**
After a month long camp in Bacolod, and 6 weeks of eating regular meals, the inevitable happened: most of my pants did not fit anymore. Sigh. But problem solved, due to my stitched gums and a lack of money, I lost all 6 kilos in 2 weeks. Happiness!
***
That sinking feeling I had when I looked at my bank account balance and realized that, for the first time in three years, I won’t be receiving a paycheck twice a month. Parental scholarship is very frightening for a control-freak like me.
****
Another scary but not suprising happened during enrolment: one of my subjects for evaporated from my CRS enlistment. Ah, when will the University get its act right? At least I got enrolled in just two days.My schedule is nicely scattered, with 6 hours vacant twice a week.
*****
Last week, my heart sank to my shoes while looking at the syllabus for my four subjects. A reminder why I have to study full time. Thankfully, I managed to fit in tutorial jobs into my “free time”. I needed the cash and my students can be respondents for three of my research papers. Then I got that sinking feeling again when I realized that I have to think up of lessons for them in addition to my acad load.
******
Frank was the cause of a daylong brownout yesterday. Spent the day sleeping, buried under a comforter and four pillows. I starved also, but that’s okay. I also spent the weekend fixing my mess of a closet (abandon hope all ye who enter here!) and babysitting my adorable niece. Which inlvolves distracting her from her hungry wails while her mom is busy and giving her back to her parents when she needs her diaper changed.

*******
Did an overhaul of my schedule. Let go of many and kept only a few. Sorry for the drastic change, but it is needed for my sanity.

 We had one of our semi-regular KC reunions in Makati last week in honor of a friend from Cagayan de Oro. As usual, the talk turned to memories of the camp, which led to another quotable quote from one of my kuyas:

“Don’t check my grammar, check your feelings!!!”

This made me think of something I learned in Educ class. Studies show that parents rarely correct their children’s grammatical errors; instead, they check the “truth value” of what the kids say. For example, when a little girl said “Daddy buyed me a present yesterday,” the mother would just reply “No, sweetie, Daddy bought you a present last week.” She corrected her daughter’s statement about time, not the little girl’s use of the past tense.

I realize that I have been so busy checking the grammar of my life recently, trying to create order out of an unstructured life. Edited the redundant things and proofread the unneccesary words and typos to make my discourse sound and look good. Set deadlines, made to-do-lists, budgeted resources and got caught up in the quest for a life that would follow the rules. Once again, I fell into the trap of focusing on the wrong things.

I’ll skip the grammar and go straight to the heart of the matter. Not just checking my feelings, but reminding myself of my values and His truths.

Here is my Spirit-check:

I want to learn.
I want to teach.
I want to share.
I want to express myself.
I want to live out stories.
I want to be a tentmaker.
I want to be part of small beginnings.
I want to create things of beauty.
I want to belong to something greater.
I want to love and be loved.

I want to know God and enjoy Him forever.

Sometimes I like to wake up very early in the morning. I love the feel of thedawn chill and dewy grass, the sight of stabilo-bright sunrise and the rapid fire chirping of the birds. I crave the silence and listening to the slow build up of noise as the rest of the world wakes up. Usually, though, I wake up in time for lunch.
Sometimes I like watching TV. Say, once a year.
Sometimes I need to be alone. To wallow in my thoughts and catalog the things I need/want/cannot do, figure out the next steps and make schedules and lists that last all of two weeks. Sometimes, I get this urge to be away from people. Watch a movie, speed-read books or take a long walk all by myself. Normally, I am surrounded and engulfed in a group. 
Sometimes I enjoy math. Especially if the numbers have peso signs before them.
Sometimes I am quiet, even when I am surrounded by friends. Listening and observing people can be fascinating. Other times, I am just too tired to talk and be my usual bubbly self. Sometimes, I feel out of place, disconnected, out of the loop. Very rarely though. Sometimes I know that silence is the best answer.
Sometimes I like shopping, but only under the strict supervision of my more fashionable friends.
Sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything. Sometimes I get tired of being assertive and just want someone else to make the decision for me. Sometimes I just go with the flow.
Sometimes I want to dance. Then I remember that earthquakes are not fun.
Sometimes I feel sad when people say goodbye. Sometimes I feel happy when they leave. Often, I just let them go.
Sometimes I dream that I can fly. 

And sometimes I hear God speak to me so clearly that saying no is not an option. Like now.